Winter

You wake up and it’s dark and freezing cold. You finish your day at work and it’s dark and freezing cold. Winter – it’s evil.

A typical winter’s weekday for me starts with a little game of cat and mouse. Having got out of bed and downstairs, the quicker I can start the car to get the heat going and clear the frost from the windscreen, the better. The gamble with this is you’ve got ridiculous bed hair, usually a big coat on with trainers, and a face that’s been so awkwardly slept on that it has lines strewn across it like a field crop-circled by tiny martians. I like this risk. Get in, get out, and the rewards are huge – a nice warm car by the time you’re ready and the realisation that maybe if shit does go down, you could Jason Bourne your way out of any situation undetected. Get caught out, (like I have many a time) then your really normal next door neighbours get to witness you bedraggled on your doorstep like a disgraced 80’s celebrity facing the media. In fact, when I saw that picture of the monkey in a coat  in Ikea I thought for a second one of my neighbours had sold a photo to the press.

Jerk.

That’s the thing with Winter it has no respect for style or image. It’s wear that baggy jumper, that Michelin Man sized jacket, or freeze like a first time shepherd at a School Nativity Play. There does though seem to be an epidemic in this country of people wearing shorts in the freezing cold. I work at a University and the campus mid winter is like a Hollister store – pitch black, cold, and full of Welsh people pretending to be surfers. Can these people not feel the same sub zero temperatures I’m feeling? Maybe the pheromones they give off by trying to look cool makes them feel warmer? All I know is, if showing your ability to withstand cold is your play in trying to impress a woman, you’re on to a loser. Women feel the cold more than any other creature. If you’re wearing Abercrombie shorts and a T-shirt in minus three then good luck spending any time at your girlfriends house cos it’ll be ten thousand degrees and you’ll be peeling your skin off after five minutes. Men – have you ever dipped your hand into your partner/girlfriends bath to test the temperature? You get a burned bright red hand for a day or so which you can use as a nightlight.

Me waving to my neighbours first thing in the morning (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What also comes with Winter is darkness. It’s like that bit at the start of a gig when the lights go down and you get all excited for a minute then get impatient with the band for not coming on already. We look forward to an idyllic Winter of snowcapped mountains and breathtaking views, then forget it’s bloody cold and pitch black. With it being completely dark in the mornings, and then the same when I get home from work, I genuinely haven’t seen my back garden for a month. Someone could be living in my shed as far as I know. They could’ve set up a Hollister shop there actually.

There are benefits to the darkness though. That journey to work where you drive for a while then half wake up and think ‘shit, how did I get here? I’ve seriously just been sleep driving’ – that feeling is a lot more relaxed in the dark. ‘Why wouldn’t I be asleep? It’s dark, that’s what my body does when it’s dark – screw you oncoming traffic‘. The other thing I find is you don’t have to make a great deal of effort getting ready. People who know me may feel that I don’t generally, but it can take time making something poor look average. I have worn clothes out this last month that were on the side for the next Barnardos bag posted through my letterbox. I’ve worn a pair of trousers to work this week with a hole near the crotch area big enough to carry out a basic medical examination. Doesn’t matter, it’s dark enough to get away with before chucking them out, and ultimately, these are big wins for an individual doing his own laundry.

Winter has it’s repercussions at home too though. I’m your regular toilet goer, no issues there, but I will do anything not go into the bathroom at the moment. I will hold it in like I’ve never held it in before to avoid that igloo that used to be my bathroom. I swear it’s so cold in there right now I’m afraid it’s gonna freeze mid stream and I’ll be able to use my dick to conduct orchestras. I won’t readily answer my door at the moment either. ‘Cold Callers’ is what i’m calling them but ultimately they’re just people knocking my door letting cold air in. It’s just not worth the risk of decreasing the room temperature opening the door and talking to someone for even a minute; even if they have locked themselves out of their house, or is my mother for instance.

So stick with it this Winter. Even if your ill (see my ‘Sick’ post from around this time last year) or just hate the cold like me just think, Christmas is just a few weeks away where presents will make you feel happy, and booze will make you feel nothing. Just think, it’ll only be another six months until the temperature rises to that of an Australian winter and we can get our summer fleece’s out again!